God's Grand Scheme of Things

Things happen...
Many a time, for reasons which is beyond our comprehension.
To some, that is fate or destiny.

Who are we to question?
We really can't...
We cannot lament either...

We need to understand that life is not totally comprehensible. We may have done what is humanly possible to shape the course of our lives...
But ultimately, it is not up to us to decide.

So we pray...
For mercy, for compassion, for understanding, for acceptance.
...and of course, for having the grace to accept both the good and bad, that come our way.
Alhamdulillah

Journeys...moving on

School term has ended...and yes, it's time to recuperate.
As I try to find my breath, I try to somehow accept the reality that I have been doing this job for almost 23 years...technically, that is half of my life right now. I have been in teaching even longer than I have been married...and now,I really cannot imagine myself teaching in school till 62...

The dynamics have changed.
and even though I think I am adaptable and flexible, the rapid changes are leaving me breathless.
It's not easy, when the body is aging, and the mind is slowing down. So passion alone will not be enough to sustain the will to continue.

I've stepped down. It has taken a load off my shoulders, and hopefully, it is paving the way for others to rise. .. But new brooms sweep clean, and sometimes, it is a bitter pill to swallow when I look at how many gaps I have left unclosed...how my shortcomings have allowed a gulf to be built. It's hard also to bite my tongue when things are done differently; usually in a way that I do not agree with. It's something now that I must now accept.

Let me thank god for small blessings.
I have a job...I have good friends...and I still have my sanity intact.
Alhamdulillah.

My toes are red, my feet are weary...
But I'll walk on...

Say what you mean, Mean what you say

Being tactful is fine...but being ambivalent is not.
A person who is diplomatic may not always be telling the truth.

While we try to not to hurt the feelings of other people, we do have to be mindful that that sometimes, it is not possible ...the truth will hurt, but in the long run, it is for the better.

But then, there are some, whom we know, do not mince words.
The words they use are like swords that stab you to the core, and leave you with weeping, open wounds.

Hmmm...
How ironic...
I am the equivocal now.

The Friends You Keep

There is a saying that people can tell who you are by the friends you keep. There are many other cliches that support this - "Great minds think alike, fools seldom differ", or "Birds of a feather, flock together' kind of think.

I would like to think of the implication behind that first statement.
This is because, we do have a choice when it comes to making friends. We can choose to get close to a person or not. It's always never cease to fascinate me when parents come to school and complain about their children, often mixing with 'bad company'.  Now going on the assumption that if everyone thinks that his/her child is 'good'...all children are therefore good.  So, who is the 'bad company' then.

The other day, a parent aske why the school does not 'get rid of its bad elements'. "Your school can only be good if there are no troublemakers!" I had laughed at first...but in a way, it is wishful thinking to want a situation like that.

Today, I lost my cool. It may seem that I am just being so uptight over nothing. My class was dismissed after recess...and because they got to go out first, the rest jeered at them.My kids carried on the hooting - like lost banshees haunting the corridors of the school. I yelled (yup....I am just as bad , I admit), and gathered them back in the hall.  The hooting just continued...with the herd mentality rearing its ugly side. Of course, I gave the kids a good shelling long after the hoots and cat calls had died down.

But back to the topic.
If you do associate yourself with a certain profile of people, you'll more or less get influenced by their character - both good and bad...
We must not let the negative minority overwhelm the silent majority.
I just hope that more of the good ones will step up to the plate, and set a good example to the rest.

Aaaaaaaaaaagh

For want of a better title, let that be the best summation of what I am feeling at the moment.

One...

Had a long, long, long, long remedial today.

The kids were late, and as the lesson carried on, it suddenly dawned upon me that those hours of lessons I have put in...have gone to waste...

The excuse was that I never taught them...then came, they forgot...before one finally said, "I never bothered to listen."

That told me one thing...I had not done my job properly.

I did all the thinking for them, that they have forgotten to think.

Two...

Have you ever encountered someone ... who must start the day by complaining?

I mean...come on...

I wanted to start the day on a happy note...but each time I bump into this individual, it's like having all the sunshine sucked out of your universe.

Negatively is a mood killer...and the thing about it is that this kind of vibe this person sends out can be really draining.

and of course...

the text message I received...

I had somehow anticipated something was wrong...but was prepared to accept the reason.

But then came the line,"...Ah well, I have a back up..."

"Ah well?.....it sounds as if you are happy that you lost the item in the first place!

Blah!

Albatross

"Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks
Had I from old and young !
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung."

I am irrational...in a rational sort of way.

So do not ask me for reasons...for they are things that are best left unexplained.

Why do I feel this way?

It's a constant reminder of my own shortcomings...

and how, I failed.

The Journey

It has now been more than six months that mum's condition has been diagnosed.

It has been a challenging time for everyone.

To an outsider, you will not notice the changes in her. Socially, she is active, and loves to talk to people when she goes out.

But to those who are a little more perceptive, you'll be able to detect the signs: - the repetitions, the fixations, the lapses in the conversations.

For us, it has been more painful emotionally.

How do you start 'losing' a person?

Parts of her memory are already lost...think of how some part of the data in the hard disk can go missing without a trace.

Another struggle is when the bouts of paranoia set in.

All of a sudden, loved ones are deemed as the 'enemies within' as she eyes each and everyone of us with suspicion.

When she gets into that state, it's as if the demons within her are awakened - rue the person whom she vents her wrath on.

As much as we try to be patient, this disease...defeats everyone.

Dad...

he is holding up...but for how long.

It has hit him the hardest...

"In sickness and in health'....

I fully understand how this vow is being played out.

Dear God,

Bless mak and abah.

I love them.

Amin